Excerpt From

Raising Children One Day at a Time! A Daily Survival Guide for Committed Parents (365 Meditations)

J A N U A RY 1

LIVE THROUGH

CHILDREN

We feel sorry for children whose parents force them into sports or other activities because the parents want the glory. These parents are insensitive to their children’s feelings and push them to participate in activities the children have no interest in. These children often feel embarrassed and humiliated by their parents. These children are not allowed to follow their own curiosity and develop their own interests. They are expected to fulfill their parent’s lives through their activities.

Sometimes it’s easier to look down on these parents than it is to see the ways in which we, too, live through our children. We want them to be well behaved in public so we look good. Whenever we are together with other families, in church, at a restaurant, or an amusement park, we worry about what other adults think of our children, and ultimately of us. We want our children to make a good impression so we can be proud of them.

We’re learning to be conscientious, responsible parents without living through our children. We are teaching them how to act in public. While we are legally and morally responsible for their behavior, they are not responsible for our self-worth. We accept our responsibility to train them in appropriate social conduct. We are learning to depend on God, not our children’s behavior, for our sense of self-worth.

I enjoy my children more when I live my own life.

F E B R U A RY 1 8

SPIRITUAL PROGRESS

Even though we went to church as children, many of us did not receive much spiritual nurture there. Instead, we learned about moral demands, perfectionism, and God’s wrath. Church, for us, was not a source of com-fort and peace, but a source of shame and guilt. The message we heard in church sounded like the same one we heard at home — that we were bad, stupid, and unlovable. Attending church reinforced our sense of unworthiness.

A new spiritual understanding has been very slow in developing. Why would we invite God to remind us of how we had messed up our lives? We were far from perfect, and we had always believed that God demanded perfection. The spiritual approach that we were learning did not focus on perfection, but on acceptance. At first, loving acceptance felt like a trick and was difficult for us to accept. As we continued on our journey, we heard people talk openly and honestly about their relationship with a loving God. We knew we wanted the serenity and hope they had in their lives.

Now we’ve come to understand that spiritual growth means progress, not perfection. This we can handle. With practice we learn to pray again, in a whole new way. God is now our friend and not the demanding, harsh judge of our childhood. We have come to think of prayer as conversation with a special friend. We now have a desire to communicate regularly with God. We now have a wonderful resource to turn to for our parenting, as well as for the rest of our life.

M A R C H 2 8

FALLING

IN LOVE

WITH LOVE

No one helped us understand the complex emotions of love. For many of us, falling in love was intoxicating. We could not talk about these feelings with our parents, however. Instead, we read romance magazines, moon sick romance novels, or silly self-help articles about how to make ourselves over so someone would love us. We were in love with love. We were so addicted to this emotional rush that we paid little attention to the actual person we thought we were in love with. He or she was a stand-in for our self-induced emotional high. While we dreamed about our lovers, we ignored any unpleasant reality, such as the way they treated us.

In the past, we talked about how our feelings controlled us, confused us, and made us happy or sad. We never considered how we created our own feelings with our minds. Instead, we regarded ourselves as victims of our feelings. We are learning to think about, talk about, and under-stand complex emotions, including love. We are coming to understand that we create our feelings ourselves. Some of us contrived the feelings of being in love because we desperately wanted to feel someone loved us.

We are encouraging our children to examine their hearts. We want them to know what it feels like to be loved so they won’t have to create the illusion of being loved.

A P R I L 1 0

PATIENCE

AND

SELF-ESTEEM

When our children showed signs of low self-esteem, many of us felt guilty. We felt responsible for their low self-esteem because of the way we treated them as we were learning how to raise children properly. We put them down and called them names when we were angry with their behavior. We damaged their self-esteem by shaming them. We failed to teach them how to believe in themselves. A poor self-image works like a cracked lens, distorting everything that passes through it. Sometimes, no matter what we say to a discouraged child, they hear criticism. With one harsh reprimand, we can tear down all the positive feelings we have been working to build. Often, they can-not hear our words because our body language is yelling too loudly.

Self-esteem has deep roots, roots are not always anchored in reality. What children believe about themselves and their abilities, their sense of worth and lovableness, does not match their actual abilities, or how much we love them. We are working patiently and consistently to build positive self-esteem in each of our children. Their self-esteem is gradually improving. It takes time to rebuild damaged self-esteem. With patience and consistent effort, we are seeing a gradual improvement in each child’s self-esteem.

M AY 2 9

ACCOUNTABILITY

Blame played a central role in our lives as children. We quickly learned to make alibis and excuses for every occasion. We focused on the external causes for things we did, rather than on our roles as decision-makers. We invariably blamed someone else for our problems in order to protect ourselves from criticism or punishment. We never felt we played a role in the direction our lives were taking. Instead, we felt driven, pushed, or coerced by forces we didn’t understand and couldn’t control.

When others said our lives were the result of our choices and that we were responsible for them, we disagreed, saying they weren’t our choices. We didn’t regard our actions as choices. We saw them as re-actions to circumstances rather than choices. We felt life situations gave us no choice but to do the things we did. And we certainly didn’t want to be blamed for all the messes in our lives. We didn’t think it was fair to be blamed when we couldn’t do anything about it in the first place.

As we learned more about personal responsibility for our choices, all this began to change. At first, we felt like people were saying everything was our fault. This felt very humiliating and, of course, we resisted. Because we had been blamed all our lives, we were sensitive to even the slightest hint of blame. When we discovered that accountability is not the same as blame, we were able to accept responsibility for our actions and choices. We eventually realized that accountability is another word for honesty — for accepting reality. Blame needs someone to punish while accountability is only concerned with ownership.

I am accountable for my life and teach my children to be accountable without focusing on excuses and blame.

J U LY 1 5

MAKING MISTAKES

We did everything possible to avoid mistakes while growing up. When we made mistakes, we hid the evidence, covering with lies in order to protect ourselves. Making mistakes was dangerous. Some of us were even beaten for making simple mistakes. Others were shamed, degraded and humiliated often in front of others for making mistakes. Some of us avoided risks altogether, while others chose incredibly risky secret lives away from our parents’ view.

Eventually we learned that mistakes are not sins. Making mistakes is a normal, natural part of living, especially for children. Mistakes are important to the creative learning process. In order to discover and learn, we need to be free to experiment with untried ideas. We gain useful information from our experiments.

We are teaching our children to value their mistakes instead of being ashamed of them. We no longer punish them for making mistakes. In order to respond graciously to their mistakes, we practice our patience. When we find that one of our children has made a mistake, we first attend to their feelings, reassuring them if they are anxious or frightened.

Once they are calm, we have them share their decision-making process. Often they figure out for themselves what they need to do differently next time. If they are unable to see alternative approaches, we point them out. Teaching them how learn from their mistakes lifts a burden of guilt from their shoulders.

When I help my children accept their mistakes without fear, we both learn from the experience.

A U G U S T 2

SMARTING OFF

Nobody likes a smart mouth. As parents, we bristle when our children smart off to us. Their behavior reminds us that we were never allowed to express anger to our parents, no matter what they said or did to us. The result was that we used sarcasm, withdrawal, and other indirect ways to express our feelings. Many of us were slapped, grounded, forced to "wash" our mouths with soap, or otherwise punished.

As we learn more about feelings, we have discovered that anger is often a cover-up for deeper emotions. We are learning both to express our anger appropriately and to explore our deeper emotions when we are angry. We are coming to realize that sorrow, fear, or hurt usually lie beneath the anger. The more we are able to identify and express the underlying feelings, the easier it is for us to let go of the anger.

Now when our children smart off, we listen for their deeper emotions, which are often feelings of hurt or misunderstanding. By listening for the feelings beneath their anger and helping them express this hurt, they learn to express their feelings. We can open up a productive conversation, even when it starts with their smart-mouth remark.

I am helping my children express their deeper feelings when they are angry.

O C T O B E R 9

ENCOURAGEMENT

Our parents did not know how to help us when we were frustrated and discouraged with our progress in school, sports, or music. Mostly, they scolded us when we were discouraged, saying things like, "What’s wrong with you?" or, "You’re just not trying. If you would just put out a little effort once in awhile!" These remarks made us feel worse rather than better. We learned not to expect anything positive from our parents.

By sharing with other parents we’re learning how to provide our children with encouragement. We’ve discovered the importance of a positive attitude, encouragement, of building on their strengths rather than focusing all our attention on their shortcomings. All of us, including parents, need encouragement from time to time. We need someone to have faith in us when we temporarily lose faith in ourselves. We need someone to tell us we can do it and not to give up.

When our children are frustrated and discouraged, we first listen to their troubles. We encourage them to get their feelings out. We don’t criticize them for feeling discouraged or tell them they shouldn’t feel this way.

After they have thoroughly vented their feelings, we remind them that everyone starts slow and builds skills through practice. By letting them know that we, too, have felt this way at times, we assure them that their feelings are normal.

I listen to my children’s frustrations and encourage them without discounting their feelings.

N O V E M B E R 1 3

PREJUDICE

Some of us learned to look down on those who were less fortunate than us. Our parents were condescending, and we learned that same attitude. We delighted in seeing poor people because it reminded us of how much more ambitious and intelligent we were. The more unmanageable our lives became, the more we needed to look down on others in order to prop up our sagging self-esteem. By the time we were adults, we were becoming snobbish boors.

In therapy groups, we were cast in with people we might never have associated with. We soon discovered, however, that we have more in common with troubled adults than we ever imagined. The moment we allowed ourselves to receive help from those we once looked down on, our attitudes began changing. As we grow in our spirituality, we shed old prejudices and arrogant attitudes.

When we overhear our children talking about someone in a condescending manner, we call them on it. When we are with our children in public, we never make disparaging remarks about those who are different because of race, poverty, or physical handicaps. We remind our children that everyone is a child of God and beautiful in his sight. We encourage our children to become involved in charitable groups at school and church that serve those less fortunate.

I am teaching my children sensitivity and respect for all people, especially those who are different.

D E C E M B E R 9

PROBLEM

SOLVING

When, as children, we were frustrated and struggled with a problem, our parents sometimes responded by either refusing to help us at all or by taking over and solving the problem for us. Either way, we felt stupid and inadequate. We felt discounted by both responses. Some parents didn’t know how to help, assist, or guide us. They were more worried about being inconvenienced than about helping us. We felt we were in their way when we asked for help.

We’re now exploring ways to allow our children to experience and express frustration without jumping in to rescue them immediately. By automatically rescuing them when they show any sign of frustration, we keep them helpless and dependent on us. We interfere with their development, and we undermine their self-confidence. We want to show our children that we’re supportive, and willing to help without denying them the opportunity to figure things out for themselves.

We carefully resist the temptation to solve our children’s problems before they have a chance to find their own solutions. When they ask us for help with a problem, we first inquire about what they have tried so far. In explaining it, they often see the answer themselves. When we offer suggestions on how they might solve their own problem, they learn without any loss of self-confidence. In fact, their self-confidence increases because they discover their own solutions.